This one is for you

I know you read my last posts. They were not written for you, or considering you, but it’s all right, even though you missed the point in the last post.

I will try and make it easier for you with this one. I will do my best to be simple and direct in English, so that you don’t have to use google translate and other stuff to understand just parts of what I say.

It’s a huge difference between being friend with someone, and in this case show yourself as you truly are, based on trust and mutual interests, and being an ex-friend, or just an ordinary person in a gang, due to breach of trust and invading intimacy.

When I first saw you, I thought to myself: what a wonderful person and such a delicate soul, talkative individual, I think I might be friends with this one, because we share pretty much in profession and passion. So I trusted you from the very beginning, ignoring the differences between us. You were, in my opinion, already a friend, so I acted like a true one myself, wanting to see you, to talk to you, I dedicated hours and hours of my time to just talking to you. I even told you when I was in the nearest town to you, I invited you over for face to face meeting before the Wed in September. I was feeling sorry I missed London and the fun with the gang there, so I wanted to make it up to you, since you were very present there and you sent stuff and pictures and all.

The turning point in our relationship was that visit of yours and every single thing you did ever since. And how you did them and you still do.

I am not gay. I never wanted to be, I don’t fantasize with women, I can listen to you talking about sexual behavior and don’t feel a fucking thrill; but gay, smart and open people who are not trying to teach me that what I feel is bad and I should feel different or at least try can become my friends and I love them and we talk about every thing in the world. It’s nothing sexual in my relation with a gay friend (and as you know, I do have gay friends and we are just fine and fun when we meet), but trust and mutual respect is the key. This is a fact. I made it as clear as I can.

You are gay, it’s all right, I don’t mind that. And a truly don’t, since is not concerning me, it’s your life and you can choose to be in any way you want if it makes you happy and fulfilled. That’s another fact.

But when you are trying to convince me that I should try something I don’t want, i.e. have sex with you, arguing that it’s a magical trip I know nothing about, then we have a problem. I can’t feel something only because you ask, I can’t be someone only because you want me to, I can’t stand emotional blackmail and I honestly hate to be told that I don’t know how I am and what I like. And it’s rude and violent to keep doing this all night. And it made me think that you are obsessed and not thinking, and I have trouble dealing with obsessive people. I told you so, millions of times, and the result was that you still pushed me, then you became violently demanding, reinterpreting my every words in kilometers of messages. You were judging my for not playing along with you. You were upset and you sold yourself as a victim. I’m not buying that. I never felt like a victim, but I did acted like one in order to obtain something from someone. It’s not right and it’s not fair. If you were stupid, you’d have an excuse, but you are not. You forced me into loving you, or that you tried. When I said no, you got mad. 

Now you regret this all situation, or so you say. I don’t believe you. You are just trying to keep me in your personal area, preparing for another shoot, smoother and gentler, probably. I don’t trust you, I don’t trust your intentions. You cannot hurt me, you never could and no one can, but you are the best in annoying and infuriate the hell out of me! 

Forgive you? Probably in a short while I will forget about all this shit and something will remain, if there is something to remain between us. We have dear mutual friends, we shall meet in September, we shall sit and drink, party and all these, anything can happen. 

But just remember one thing: if someone, anyone, enters with their ugly boots in my soul and tries to make a mess there, where everything is quietly well arranged and in place, it will be hardcore fight and I will eventually win the battle. You were so close to doing just that, and if you keep pushing it’s going to be epic. 

Let things go, be yourself and take a very good look at how people are, understand and accept, stop trying to convince them that you know better and they should act at your demand.